You may know that June 19th is the one year anniversary that Anton Yelchin died. You may know him from movies such as Star Trek, Like Crazy, Fright Night, or even Charlie Bartlett. I'm going to explain what has happened since that day.
It was Father's Day and I decided to wear my brand new Star Wars shirt for my dad. My mom invited her family over and they would be here any minute.
I was on twitter and I saw a tweet saying something among the lines "RIP Anton Yelchin." My heart dropped. I felt the tears begin to swell and I began to slip into a panic attack.
"Dad, I think Anton Yelchin died," I desperately tried to search for more information as I felt the tears begin to fall.
"It's probably fake," he didn't look at how terrified I was in that moment.
There it was as soon as I searched his name "Anton Yelchin killed in car accident at age 27."
I couldn't hold back anymore, I let the tears fall. My heart was absolutely broken.
I will never forget hearing my dad saying the words, "if you're so worked up because of someone you don't know dying, maybe you shouldn't be in telecommunications."
I didn't listen. I just cried until my nana knocked on our front door.
I wiped my tears away and tried to forget it happened. Here's the problem, I couldn't just let go of it. For the next half an hour I tried to get as many details as possible. At the time, there weren't many details just that it was an accident. An Accident. That was all. Someone that important to me was no longer here because of an accident.
"Dad, can I go to my room," I asked him as the tears couldn't stop. He nodded and I went up to my room. The moment the door locked behind me, I let loose. I sobbed. I whined. I let the world hear my heart break. It couldn't possibly be true. He couldn't actually be here one moment and gone the next.
Let me explain to you if you still don't grasp how I could be so upset over an actor dying.
Anton to me was the reason the sun shone every morning. He was the reason there was still good in this world. I had loved many celebrities before him, but he was the only one who I found to be the reason to look forward to the future.
Anton died because his car rolled back and pinned him against a brick pillar. The doctors said he died within a minute of impact. His coworkers realized something was wrong when he showed up late to work that day. So they all went to his house and found him dead.
What breaks my heart the most is that he was alone when he died. On that day, I realized everyone I know and love will one day die. I also realized I would someday die. That terrified me more than anything.
In the next few months even more people I loved had passed away, including Carrie Fisher and my nana. Life is so precious and I felt as if I was wasting it. I decided to change my major over to English instead, because my dad was right: I wasn't meant for Telecommunications. In my mind, I couldn't do it if Anton wasn't here anymore.
My cousin knocked on my door after I had locked myself in there for about three hours and asked me to come downstairs. I reluctantly did and attempted to keep myself from crying. My aunt asked me if I was alright and that my mom said that me and my friend was in a fight or something.
I sighed and told her, "No, my favorite actor died today."
And she replied "Oh. I was going to tell you my granddaughter is having a fight with her friend because she lied or whatever."
It was in that moment I realized not many people could understand how much he meant.
There is so much little information about Anton's personal life. But honestly, this is the greatest way I can show how much I loved him:
Anton saw every single life as precious and I wanted to do the same.
The day after his death and about 24 hours of me crying, I saw an hallucination of him.
This wasn't anything new to me, I've had hallucinations before, but usually they were meant to keep me company. I created hallucinations for so long that I made it difficult for me to become friends with actual people.
This hallucination was new in the fact I didn't have control over him.
One second I was crying in my room and the next moment he placed his hand under my chin and helped wipe my tears away.
"Anton?" I asked, "Is that you?"
The hallucination nodded, "You need to stop doing this, Kathleen. It's not healthy."
"What?" I had almost become angry with him, "You mean a lot to me and now I won't be able to meet you or thank you."
"That's not what life is about, Kathleen." He explained, "You can't mourn for the future you can't have. You have to make a life you want for yourself. Sure, you weren't able to meet me. You can still do something I would want you to do. Be the best You, you can be. Your feelings are valid. You have a right to be sad, but you have to be able to move on. It doesn't matter how many times you fall down or how long you stay down, as long as you get back up."
That was the first of many times in which I had seen him.
Another time was when I was trying to decide whether to stay a Telecommunications major or change my major to Art.
I had all of the paper filled out to change my major. My hand touched the handle to the office building and I heard Anton tell me, "Will this make you happy? Will you be able to make a difference this way?"
I paused and realized that no. I was not going to be happy if I went this way. It was going to be another dead end. I needed another way to go.
Eventually, I wrote a short story about my love for plants and explained how they helped me get through tough situations. My professor told me he had loved the work I had put into my English class. He could see that spark inside me grow stronger every time my pencil hit the paper. I saw Anton behind my professor as sort of a "HEY KATHLEEN. THIS IS IT. THIS IS WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY AND YOU'RE GOOD AT IT. GO SEE HOW IT GOES." The next day, I changed my major to English - Creative Writing.
There was still something that I was afraid of: Dying Alone Too Young. This usually ends up becoming a problem around Valentine's Day.
The day before Valentine's Day, I was removed from my dorm after I was in an argument with my roommate at the time. That same day I was in the ER all day because there was a possibility I had appendicitis. So at 9:00 PM was moving from one dorm to another and ended up spending the night at my friends' apartment. Anton sat next to me with his hand on my shoulder to help calm me down.
A week later, I ended up downloading the dating app: Bumble.
I had a grand time talking to guys and enjoying my time being young,
I ended up finding myself in a relationship with one of the greatest people I had met. In so many ways he helped me forget being so broken. He was just as broken as me and I enjoyed having deep conversations about the future. For the first time in my life, I saw myself enjoying life. I saw sunshine. I saw myself being happy by the little things in life.
A month later, he broke up with me.
You may read this and be like "You were so happy and he broke up with you? What a horrible person!"
God no. He was just as upset as I was when we broke up. He didn't want my spark to fade, and he could see me hiding the fact I was still visibly broken. I was depending on him to help me feel whole. Which was not fair on his part at all. He told me it was like we fit a 3 year long relationship in the span of a month. At first, I didn't understand, but he was so right; I wasn't ready to be in a relationship if I wasn't okay in general. Thank you for that. It truly means a lot to me, I apologize I didn't realize it at the time.
At the time, I saw myself more broken than ever. I wanted him back. I wanted my happy back. I took drastic measures that ended up destroying me more. Anton begged me not to do anything to harmful, but my mind tried to block him out. I thought to myself "you don't understand how I feel. Leave me alone." After a particular harmful thing, I saw my ex take his place and say "Oh my god. What did you do?"
And so I asked him to help me.
Since that day, I have been trying so hard to find my happy. But you know what, you cannot force happy. It doesn't matter the situation, you cannot force yourself to be happy. You cannot force yourself to be okay. You need to take your own time and find out for yourself what it truly means. Am I 10/10 okay? Absolutely not. I am about a 7/10 on average, which is better than I've been. I am still trying to be the best me I can be.
I have Anton to thank for it. I thank all of my friends and family for being patient with me for this depression I've been going through. Just please understand, I will not be perfectly happy. Anyone who acts that way is usually hiding their sadness, and I refuse to do that.
I am going to leave this as the raw feelings I wrote it in.
If you want to help me out in the slightest bit, you could visit my etsy store and maybe buy something from it. https://www.etsy.com/shop/StarsAndMoonsGlow?ref=seller-platform-mcnav
Until Next Time, Glitter Flakes!
~Kathleen
It was Father's Day and I decided to wear my brand new Star Wars shirt for my dad. My mom invited her family over and they would be here any minute.
I was on twitter and I saw a tweet saying something among the lines "RIP Anton Yelchin." My heart dropped. I felt the tears begin to swell and I began to slip into a panic attack.
"Dad, I think Anton Yelchin died," I desperately tried to search for more information as I felt the tears begin to fall.
"It's probably fake," he didn't look at how terrified I was in that moment.
There it was as soon as I searched his name "Anton Yelchin killed in car accident at age 27."
I couldn't hold back anymore, I let the tears fall. My heart was absolutely broken.
I will never forget hearing my dad saying the words, "if you're so worked up because of someone you don't know dying, maybe you shouldn't be in telecommunications."
I didn't listen. I just cried until my nana knocked on our front door.
I wiped my tears away and tried to forget it happened. Here's the problem, I couldn't just let go of it. For the next half an hour I tried to get as many details as possible. At the time, there weren't many details just that it was an accident. An Accident. That was all. Someone that important to me was no longer here because of an accident.
"Dad, can I go to my room," I asked him as the tears couldn't stop. He nodded and I went up to my room. The moment the door locked behind me, I let loose. I sobbed. I whined. I let the world hear my heart break. It couldn't possibly be true. He couldn't actually be here one moment and gone the next.
Let me explain to you if you still don't grasp how I could be so upset over an actor dying.
Anton to me was the reason the sun shone every morning. He was the reason there was still good in this world. I had loved many celebrities before him, but he was the only one who I found to be the reason to look forward to the future.
Anton died because his car rolled back and pinned him against a brick pillar. The doctors said he died within a minute of impact. His coworkers realized something was wrong when he showed up late to work that day. So they all went to his house and found him dead.
What breaks my heart the most is that he was alone when he died. On that day, I realized everyone I know and love will one day die. I also realized I would someday die. That terrified me more than anything.
In the next few months even more people I loved had passed away, including Carrie Fisher and my nana. Life is so precious and I felt as if I was wasting it. I decided to change my major over to English instead, because my dad was right: I wasn't meant for Telecommunications. In my mind, I couldn't do it if Anton wasn't here anymore.
My cousin knocked on my door after I had locked myself in there for about three hours and asked me to come downstairs. I reluctantly did and attempted to keep myself from crying. My aunt asked me if I was alright and that my mom said that me and my friend was in a fight or something.
I sighed and told her, "No, my favorite actor died today."
And she replied "Oh. I was going to tell you my granddaughter is having a fight with her friend because she lied or whatever."
It was in that moment I realized not many people could understand how much he meant.
There is so much little information about Anton's personal life. But honestly, this is the greatest way I can show how much I loved him:
Anton saw every single life as precious and I wanted to do the same.
The day after his death and about 24 hours of me crying, I saw an hallucination of him.
This wasn't anything new to me, I've had hallucinations before, but usually they were meant to keep me company. I created hallucinations for so long that I made it difficult for me to become friends with actual people.
This hallucination was new in the fact I didn't have control over him.
One second I was crying in my room and the next moment he placed his hand under my chin and helped wipe my tears away.
"Anton?" I asked, "Is that you?"
The hallucination nodded, "You need to stop doing this, Kathleen. It's not healthy."
"What?" I had almost become angry with him, "You mean a lot to me and now I won't be able to meet you or thank you."
"That's not what life is about, Kathleen." He explained, "You can't mourn for the future you can't have. You have to make a life you want for yourself. Sure, you weren't able to meet me. You can still do something I would want you to do. Be the best You, you can be. Your feelings are valid. You have a right to be sad, but you have to be able to move on. It doesn't matter how many times you fall down or how long you stay down, as long as you get back up."
That was the first of many times in which I had seen him.
Another time was when I was trying to decide whether to stay a Telecommunications major or change my major to Art.
I had all of the paper filled out to change my major. My hand touched the handle to the office building and I heard Anton tell me, "Will this make you happy? Will you be able to make a difference this way?"
I paused and realized that no. I was not going to be happy if I went this way. It was going to be another dead end. I needed another way to go.
Eventually, I wrote a short story about my love for plants and explained how they helped me get through tough situations. My professor told me he had loved the work I had put into my English class. He could see that spark inside me grow stronger every time my pencil hit the paper. I saw Anton behind my professor as sort of a "HEY KATHLEEN. THIS IS IT. THIS IS WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY AND YOU'RE GOOD AT IT. GO SEE HOW IT GOES." The next day, I changed my major to English - Creative Writing.
There was still something that I was afraid of: Dying Alone Too Young. This usually ends up becoming a problem around Valentine's Day.
The day before Valentine's Day, I was removed from my dorm after I was in an argument with my roommate at the time. That same day I was in the ER all day because there was a possibility I had appendicitis. So at 9:00 PM was moving from one dorm to another and ended up spending the night at my friends' apartment. Anton sat next to me with his hand on my shoulder to help calm me down.
A week later, I ended up downloading the dating app: Bumble.
I had a grand time talking to guys and enjoying my time being young,
I ended up finding myself in a relationship with one of the greatest people I had met. In so many ways he helped me forget being so broken. He was just as broken as me and I enjoyed having deep conversations about the future. For the first time in my life, I saw myself enjoying life. I saw sunshine. I saw myself being happy by the little things in life.
A month later, he broke up with me.
You may read this and be like "You were so happy and he broke up with you? What a horrible person!"
God no. He was just as upset as I was when we broke up. He didn't want my spark to fade, and he could see me hiding the fact I was still visibly broken. I was depending on him to help me feel whole. Which was not fair on his part at all. He told me it was like we fit a 3 year long relationship in the span of a month. At first, I didn't understand, but he was so right; I wasn't ready to be in a relationship if I wasn't okay in general. Thank you for that. It truly means a lot to me, I apologize I didn't realize it at the time.
At the time, I saw myself more broken than ever. I wanted him back. I wanted my happy back. I took drastic measures that ended up destroying me more. Anton begged me not to do anything to harmful, but my mind tried to block him out. I thought to myself "you don't understand how I feel. Leave me alone." After a particular harmful thing, I saw my ex take his place and say "Oh my god. What did you do?"
And so I asked him to help me.
Since that day, I have been trying so hard to find my happy. But you know what, you cannot force happy. It doesn't matter the situation, you cannot force yourself to be happy. You cannot force yourself to be okay. You need to take your own time and find out for yourself what it truly means. Am I 10/10 okay? Absolutely not. I am about a 7/10 on average, which is better than I've been. I am still trying to be the best me I can be.
I have Anton to thank for it. I thank all of my friends and family for being patient with me for this depression I've been going through. Just please understand, I will not be perfectly happy. Anyone who acts that way is usually hiding their sadness, and I refuse to do that.
I am going to leave this as the raw feelings I wrote it in.
If you want to help me out in the slightest bit, you could visit my etsy store and maybe buy something from it. https://www.etsy.com/shop/StarsAndMoonsGlow?ref=seller-platform-mcnav
Until Next Time, Glitter Flakes!
~Kathleen
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